ENERGYDRINKS GROG

so i didnt drink energydrinks for like six months because they EXACERBATED my ANXIETY i felt constant pressure to be productive like writing in this blog and creating tasks to complete that were unneceesary like buying all these ugly clothes and also i was TALKING REALLY LOUD. one day i stopped drinking them and then two mornings later i didn't even want to get out of bed i had ENERGYDRNKS GROG which is the hangover of energydrinks that happens the day after the day after you drink energydrinks because the energy is so pwrfl it takes 2 days to wear off

then later that day it disappeared n i felt better sort of but still not that great so i started drinking the brown

HI MY NAME IS DAVID AND I DRANK COFFEE.

i'm sorry readers (hi mom) that i fell off the wagon of drinking drinks that zzxxzzxzx'd my immune system n induced a false and fragile sense of self-assuredness and a drive to do reckless fun

here's to six more months of noncommittal energydrinxblogging

logic of teh diet

my logic behind the muscle milk diet is this:

1. muscle milk was created by scientists (and cows?) to be hypernutritive - full of protein, vitamins

2. i theoretically won't experience a craving for sweets because muscle milk is really sweet itself - right now i'm more craving an omelette or a salad than chocolate or candy

3. an all-liquid and sunflower seed diet will shrink my stomach so when i do start eating regular food again my stomach will be so small that i'll get full without consuming many calories and thus won't gain a bunch of weight back right away

DAYs 1 & 2

observations:

day 1:

1. drank 1 muscle milk

2. not really hungry

3. when i get hungry it helps to drink a lot of water and chew gum

a. (this seems obvious, had to get the obvious stuff out of the way)

4. one poop in the morning

day 2:

1. today is day 2

2. i had a MMilk at 10:00 and 400 ml of water by 11:50, also took my vitamins

3. not hungry yet but i have to pee

4. i pooped at about 10:30, not very much but extra-satisfying because i think it'll be one of the last ones for a while

5. i plan to stop pooping soon

a. by day 4 i think i will be empty

6. MY SALIVA TASTES SWEET

a. wtf? i can't explain this

energydrinks -> musclemilk ->energydrinks

hi okay so i took a break from drinking 2 energydrinks a day because they were destroying my short-term memory and making me nervous/uncomfortable BUT i started drinking them again and i feel gr8 like i used to BUT ALSO what this entry is about is i started a diet that i will later write a book about

a few weeks ago my friend suggested i do mastercleanse as a diet, which is essentially a 10 or 14 day diet in which you can only consume salt water, laxative tea, and a concoction of cayenne pepper/lemon juice/high-grade maple syrup. i woke up yesterday and decided to do it but then realized that i couldn't so i made up a new diet that's the muscle milk diet and i'll give you teh rules and blog about it for a few dayz

rules:

1. no solid foods EXCEPT (see 3. & 4.)

2. only muscle milk, water, coffee (sorry) (black coffee) sugarfree energydrinks n alcohol

3. sunflower seed eating is permissible only because i like it so much and you really don't actually eat very much

4. i can eat multi-vitamins and adderoids only to prevent getting sick/not doing well in school

energydrinks powder: don't blow it!

so while on lon gisland where i write a disproportionate amt of blogz entriez compared to how much time i spend here due to having made 4 lasting friendships in high school (& also there'z nothing to do around here except prescription drugs [is what i tell myself when no one calls me]), i drive around to all the megasupermarkets to cop some sugarfree energydrinks that the delis in the wild wild east don't have the space to stock

i haven't found any real good ones in cans, but i did find boxes of sugarfree energydrinks POWDER PACKETS which is lyk the teh crakk of energydrinks. it's called Totally Light 2 Go (lightly carbonated) ENERGY RUSH!!! the box says "totally cool!" on the top because they're marketing to teenagers and we talk like that. each packet is meant to be mixed into a 16.9 fl.oz bottle of water but you can double or triple them up in a bottle and it's like putting on a jetpack

these packets come in 2 flavas: citrus and berry. both taste like yr eating a lollipop (of their respective flava) but yr nose is clogged so you can't taste that well. BUT if you put three packets into a bottle it's so strong you'd rather be sucking on a lemon (or like a huge berry or something??). taste = 4/5 compared to Monster or carburetor fluid

the problem with these packets is that they're really not that ZZZ!!!!. immediate bzzzzzz = 2.5/5 and lasts 30 min, and then you have slightly higher self-esteem and yr a little more creative for about 6 hours, then you come down into the post-sugarfreeenergydrinks vacuum of drowsiness, irritability and paranoia

i can only find these joints in King Kullen Pathmark and Stop 'n Shop (where the price is $5.79 for a box of 14 packets = gr8 deal) but hopefully they'll start selling them in more places so i won't have to come all the way back here to cop some boxes. but people seem to like paying $2.49 for a shorty can of red bull which has all the energy giving ingredients of 1/2 of one packet of energydrinks packets. availability: -0.5/5, because having to go back to lon gisland to get energydrinks is actually worse than not having them at all

FINAL RATING: 4/5 for cheapness, taste, portability, originality

PS BONUS:

rap music + 18 dummy energydrinks =

http://www.zshare.net/audio/60913423827010/

GURU: MEDIOCRE, better than gatorade

so i was in whole foods today lookin 4 stuff to steal and i came across guru a "100% natural" energydrink that i thought was only available with sugar but now it turns out they make sugarfree so i drank 2 and waited around for 3 minutes to see what would happen...

you hafta realize it's so much easier to talk about somethin you love or h8 than it is to talk about something you could take or leave like guru. it's lyk when you meet a person and you'd hang out with them again if you saw them at the same pawty or somethin but yr not gonna like go call them all day every day. same with guru

so guru tastes vaguely grassy, almost natural in the way that orange soda almost tastes like real oranges. i think they put specific weird-tasting stuff in it to make you think its more natural or whatever. taste is a 3.5/5.

the long term effects of guru are barely differentiable from, say, red bull (or water), but the immediate buzz isn't really there. it sneaks up on you because your body has to extract the "natural" caffeine from some seeds or leaves or shit like that (i read the ingredients list) which means you don't start tapping yr foot or blinking a lot until about an hour after you drink. i'd recommend shotgunning the guru if yr dinner pawty starts in like 5 minutes and you really don't wanna be curmudgeonly. immediate buzz = nonexistent/5.

the long-term buzz is surprisingly pretty nice. i got jittery for about 7 hours (6 hours is typical i'd say) and my sense of adventure was heightened until i fell asleep about 10 hours after i'd drank it. one effect of guru is something that every sugarfree energydrink has but that i previously didn't think was appropriate for a forum as proper and respectable as this blog, which is that it makes you doodie. caffeine is a diuretic, and if you drink sum in the morning you'll feel empty and hungry by lunchtime. (sidenote isn't this part of why coffee is so popular? because it keeps you doodying on a regular schedule so yr hungry for meals at regular time rather than bloaty and uncomfortable? anywayz whatever)

finally, the availability of guru sugarfree is teh suck. you can only get it at whole foods for lyk $6.66 a can (really 2.49 or something cray-z like that) which is more than monster costs for 2x the amt. but if yr a gullible enough to believe that guru is any better 4 you than JOLT or monster because it says "100% natural" on the can that you buy from a store that has a leaf in its logo, go buy some guru & raise yr can up for me

final rating: 2.5/5 = mediocre because other energydrinks are better/more readily available/tastier/cheaper but let'z put it this way if i was alone on an island with only guru and a pack of vicious wild dogz i'd drink the guru and then jump off a cliff so i would feel energydrinks good but they couldn't eat me alive

energydrinksblog.blogspot.calm (don't take me off yr RSS feedz!!!)

hi okay so i just wanted to tell YOU that temporarily when i get into other behavior-altering substances incl. prescription medications that counteract the rawkus effects of energydrinks by calming me down, making me compulsively clean my room, i stop finding teh motivation to write in blog BUT

i still think this blog'z concept is good so i'm gonna keep updating it until either the food & drug adminstration bans energydrinks FOR BEING TOO FUN or my sense of humor once again gains parity with my age, and i still care about you

also some days i haf to choose to drink the drinks or eat the rawlz (codename diet coke, dextroamphetamines) because if i do both heart it races